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Unsplashy - Maze


After years of self-doubt and inner dying, increasingly alienated from the world, I sit here searching for words for what I feel and experience to write and share with you. I was fed up with my life. I felt more and more disconnected from the outer world. Everything I did became routine. My existence was reduced to functioning, playing a minor role in "life" that humanity has called "life" for thousands of years. A constant search driven by fears and worries, doomed to never find. The journey I'm on is full of insights. Writing helps me to reflect and internalize. It's all about sharing experiences. If you feel attacked or otherwise judged while reading, know that nothing is further from my mind and that I make no distinction in terms of value between you, me, and any other form of being.

As the name of my blog suggests, "Be Now", I don't intend to write much about the past, just enough to give context to the mind and thus, give you the possibility to recognize yourself in something similar. This is my intention at least. I will not always succeed. Being it because I’ll make use of past-experiences as parables or simply because I’m not yet aware of something. The really important thing, however, is to realize that none of these matters in order to live in this present moment and thus, experiencing freedom.


I had a “normal” childhood, a turbulent youth, married and divorced, became the proud father of a beautiful daughter, made my career, and ended up in what is now so sympathetically referred to as "burnout." Ultimately, it doesn't matter who you are (or rather, think you are) or what you've experienced. If this sentence triggers unrest or indignation in you, then be assured. I still feel almost the same. Let's say I managed to let go of indignation. The unrest, however, seems still to be excellent friends with me at the moment. Perhaps I should say that I’m not able to let go all of my restlessness yet. Sticking to what you know. Fear of the unknown. Everyone knows it, but very few are “truly” aware of it and act accordingly.

On February 28, 2023, I experienced what it really means to be in this present moment for the first time. I would almost say in all its depth, but I dare not. I believe it was just a small, yet so intense, foretaste that, and that's for sure, came at just the right time. I felt happiness, excitement, peace, love and unbelievable freedom and space within me. All at the same time. All my fears and thoughts were still there. They haven’t disappeared, but all of them had its own space within me and all was clear and part as one. Understanding without trying to understand. Pure natural acceptance of everything present in this moment. Like a door has opened and life ran through me. No, I didn't smoke, drink or take any other substances. Most people accused me of this when I tried to talk about it right after or during the experience. I quickly realized that there was no point in trying to explain this state of being with the words at our disposal.

During the first 2 months of this year, I suffered from unimaginable depression like I had never experienced before. Isolated in a 55 m2 apartment, understandably, I suffered cabin fever. Fever went away as of the experience on February 28, even without having left my apartment. The key to this is to become aware of yourself as a whole and to let go of reason and judgment in whatever happens in this present moment. If you're trying to get it “with your mind," good luck! I gritted my teeth and finally gave up. There is no logical explanation that our minds can "understand". "Understanding" comes naturally with the experience.

A book (Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman) that I read when I was about 15 years old subconsciously helped save me from an early death. I remember the short story that helped me understand the difference between understanding "with our mind" and truly "understanding", experiencing. Quote (out of my mind and translated since I don’t own the English version): "When I was a little boy, I watched my father while he was driving the car and I thought: now I know how to drive a car. When I later sat behind the steering wheel and steered the car myself, I truly realized while saying: Ah! That's how one drives a car!"

While it seems obvious, do not underestimate the difference. We close ourselves while we think we know.

Content . What to expect?

Since living in the present moment is not as easy to experience as driving a vehicle or learning a sport or instrument. It seems to be so difficult only because our mind is in our way. Writing this blog helps me to become a little more aware. Even if I see myself at the very beginning of this journey, the experiences I have gained so far have become so invaluable that I consider it a waste to write them down in my diary for myself alone.

As an example:

I still "struggle" with the identification of myself with my mind and am still having fictional upcoming conversations with people, or building fictional upcoming situations with certain outcomes in my mind, just to calm down my fears with a self-constructed "supposed" future. But the fact is that the past has passed and the future has not yet happened.

Like all of us I assume, I very often said this sentence to friends when something went "wrong": "You never know how things turn out". And all of them, without exception, including myself, have always said: "Yes, I know..., or yes, you're right". And yet we continue to drive ourselves crazy when the planned future “reappears” differently in the present. I'm not talking about the use of the mind to "be able to" plan something. I'm talking about our disappointment and suffering when things don't turn out the way we planned and hoped.

If you now think: "Yes, but it's normal to plan something, to look forward to it and if it doesn't happen or happens differently, you're disappointed!" Then I have to say no!

It’s just not normal. That's exactly the madness. It is an excellent example of how many have said and many have read that we all walk past "being happy". We are so conditioned to finding happiness through some future situation, goal, and/or achievement that we cannot perceive happiness in this present moment. Happiness doesn't require achievement or ability. Happiness is everyone's birthright! What prevents us from experiencing it, is our uncontrolled mind, the racing thoughts that keep us from living in the present moment, simply because they cannot exist in this moment. Thoughts need context. Now is now. There is no context. The future happiness that we all "run after" and also believe that it exists since we have experienced it so many times, through achievement, or acquisition, cannot be permanent and implies a downward slide. An ensuing and inevitable frustration. We live in this ever-repeating circle, addicted to “gain” happiness, but subconsciously accepting frustration right after. Closing it off while saying: That’s life.

Perhaps you're interested in joining me to go beyond what we think we know, and discover what life really is.

There’s no studying, special ability or specific change required. All it takes is becoming conscious about how our mind keeps us from living right now, in every moment. The experience will come and will gain in depth as we grow awareness automatically.

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