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Fear of being alone. How to surrender and support self-development.

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On my journey to dedicate my time in helping people to overcome depression, I encounter many challenges, which in the past, made me give up and stagnate.

It's not the challenge that makes us quit, but the worries it brings.

Over the last month, I observed myself procrastinating once more and noticed a resurgence in my desire to seek out a partner. A desire to feel supported and loved. I realized how this was dragging me away from my own plans, resulting in procrastination.

If you’re dealing with insecurity, an unconscious reaction is to seek security from someone else, your partner. While there’s nothing wrong with securing your partner, it is important to be conscious about it. Not only for the sake of your relationship, but even more so for your self-development, that in return nurtures a healthy relationship.

Why do we try to complete ourselves with someone else? Are we really incomplete on our own?

If we reflect on our past relationships, was there anything our partner gave us that, if we’re honest, couldn’t provide to our selves?

Of course, there’s much to share between two people and much to learn and grow. But that’s not the point.

Feeling complete, secure and self-sufficient allows us to flourish. We can choose to share our love and time with others, rather than being consumed by an unhealthy co-dependency.

It’s deep-rooted into our primal system. The fear of separation, the inability to survive on our own. While it isn’t true anymore, we still have to deal with it, consciously or unconsciously.

Unsplash - Surrender

How to surrender fear and promote self-development?

Like with everything, before being able to change or work with something, we need to be aware of it.

If you aren’t yet aware, start reflecting on past moments in your relationship where you found yourself somehow stagnated; procrastinating all those things on your plate, waiting for your partner to make time for you.

Again, while there’s nothing wrong with putting things aside and instead wishing to spend time with your partner; it’s about being conscious of potential underlying needs. Especially if you find yourself relatively often in similar situations.

In such moments, when we are unconscious, we use up all our attention and energy trying to complete ourselves through our partner. Often ending up in frustration and disappointment because our partner is not in the mood or hasn’t got time for us.

When you work on securing yourself and developing self-sufficiency, you will support personal growth; In return, you’ll be able to consciously share quality time with your partner.

Unsplash - Grow

How to secure yourself and develop self-sufficiency?

Next time when you find yourself again in such a situation. Take a moment to appreciate what currently happens within you.

You might feel overwhelmed or just missing this last step to complete an important task. There can be a lot of reasons for it. Perhaps you developed a belief in the past that whatever you’ll do will fail. Which makes it very hard for you to complete something the more you’re approaching the end. Maybe something completely different. Again, there can be a lot of reasons for it.

While it helps to understand where such a behavior’s coming from, it is not required to build self-sufficiency.

Take a moment and feel into what makes you uncomfortable; what pushes you to crave for your partner.

Sit with it for a while and appreciate the need you feel. You can make use of your inner child to comfort yourself. Same as your partner would probably come to comfort you, you can comfort your younger self, which is you.

Whenever you realize to be in such a situation.

  1. Realize the need. The feel of being incomplete.

  2. Appreciate it, don’t push it away. Sit with the feeling for a while and give it your full attention.

  3. Comfort yourself the way you expect it from someone else. Make use of your inner child. Visualize how you hug your younger-self, telling yourself: it’s alright. We’re Okay. I’m here.

What happens here?

Your unconscious urge to seek help from your partner has now become a conscious decision. The support you were expecting from someone else is now being provided by your own self. Allowing space, trust, and energy to grow on your own.

In return, allows you to nurture a healthy relationship.

Enjoy the moment.

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